Astrid & Her Amazing "Where Your Fettish Fantasies Come Alive" - Adventure

If you go to the website GOOGLE and look for Amazing Astrid, the first hit goes to AMAZINGASTRID.com- where your fetish fantasies come alive!! However, in the old days when everyone still wore togas, one used to arrive on this page.



Obviously, Astrid is to blame for losing her crown. She hasn’t made any reports about her life for the last couple of months. While running around on the streets, she was hit by a car, but no, she did not fell into a deep coma and cannot blame it on this cause.



Astrid hasn’t been writing, because Astrid moved house. Yes, she said goodbye to all the good characters, such as Terrifying Tom, Outer Space Owen, Restless Richard, and Frivolous Fran and now lives up the Hill on Hill Street with only a limited connection to the Internet.



Life is different here. We take baths instead of showers. Empty bottles no longer go in the bin, but they go into the red recycling-box. Telephone-calls to foreign countries are made for free and Astrid saves thirty minutes to get ready for work in the morning.



Astrid has also been introduced here to a new and exciting game called “Pub Golf.” The rules are simple, but they are often ignored after only a few holes.



At the start one receives a list of pubs one has to pay visit. At each pub one has to drink a drink that is listed for this pub. Then one has to down this drink in less attempts than listed to get points. The fastest drinker or the one with the most points can consider themselves a winner. The whole game is done while being in dressed in golf-attire.



More entertainment news will come up later this year when Astrid is taking Cat Leggy Liam to an art-exhibit in London!!

Astrid & Her Amazing "How many cars are there in Cardiff and which colours are they?"- Adventure

Astrid simply loves pancakes and for this reason decided to throw an authentic Dutch pancake party in England.



The entrance-fee was an egg per person. Some people brought an extra egg, hoping that this would earn them a bonus stack of pancakes to take home!



Everyone baked and ate and played with their food like any twenty-something would do. The result was that the winner of the pancake-eating-competition even refused to have his grand-prize: A Chocolate Santa Clause. Despite of the fact that chocolate is the most popular item to eat over the Christmas-period.





Astrid had her Christmas-chocolate-pudding with chocolate-sauce and vanilla-ice-cream in Cardiff, Wales where she celebrated Yuletide with her Welsh-speaking Texan friends. Astrid thought it was fabulous due to a large variety of reasons:



1.) She got to take the bus from London (England) to Cardiff (Wales) and so got away with legally sleeping 3,5 hours extra during day-time.
2.) With no other major wine-drinking-fans in the household, Astrid could drink all she wanted as long as there was a bottle left.



3.) There were pancakes on Christmas-morning with butter, fresh fruits, and maple syrup!
4.) Astrid got to watch hilarious Christmas-movies recorded in the 80s, but taking place in the 50s.



5.) Astrid was allowed to sleep underneath the Christmas-tree with presents all around her on an inflatable mattress which inflated itself for more than 6 hours a night.
6.) Santa Clause spoiled Astrid with lots of presents too, including every single flavour jelly-bean: lemon, green apple, sizzling cinnamon, peach, lemon lime, chocolate pudding, bubble gum, raspberry, coconut, strawberry daiquiri, very cherry, buttered popcorn, blueberry, toasted marshmallow, Dr. Pepper, strawberry cheesecake, tangerine, licorice, watermelon, plum, juicy pear, strawberry jam, A&W cream soda, cotton candy, and A&W rootbeer.



7.) Astrid got to laugh, talk, eat, drink, read, watch Dr. Who and James Bond on the telly, visit the oldest pub in Wales, wander over a graveyard, play monopoly in Welsh, and and and got to take another bus home to do some more of that extra sleeping! Zzzzz…





Merry X-Mas everyone and a Happy New Year!!!

Astrid & Her Amazing “You Crack me Up”- Adventure

From the day Astrid was born, Astrid has been smiling. To be honest, Astrid’s smile might have been the main-ingredient of all her adventures. Without her trade-mark smile half of Astrid’s adventures would have probably never taken place. However, a smile does not work well on it’s own; it works best when it is shared. So here are the tales of things that made Astrid smile just recently.



One day Astrid was at her number one train-station travelling on an escalator when she noticed that the person in front of her was not transporting a child in his buggy but a big suit-case instead, so Astrid confronted the fellow and said: “I must say, you have a child of extraordinary beauty,” to which the fellow replied that yes, he was very blessed, since he had another one of these beauties at home exactly alike!



Then Astrid and her friend went to see a modern art exhibit and were looking at this tremendous crack in the floor. Everyone around them was just looking at the crack with full admiration and were flashing away with their cameras. Astrid and her friend had no idea what everyone was on about, but loved to play along and started to pretend it was something big too.



In the end, the crack turned out to be something symbolic about racism and the post-colonial past and Astrid and her friend actually became quite intrigued, but then couldn’t stop laughing when reading something about the crack in the papers a few days later:



“A crack in the floor that forms an art installation in the Tate Modern [London] has caused 15 injuries in seven weeks.”

“We must ban it. Simple as. If it injures 15 people then it must be the fault of the artwork, and not in any way a case of evolution in action. Only then will we eliminate risk entirely.”



Then there are so many people making Astrid laugh continuously! People who dry their chest-hair with hair- dryers or guys who throw in shoe-sizes of the continent in a conversation when girls discuss UK-dress-sizes:



Girl 1 (not Astrid): “A size 20? Does that even exist?”
Girl 2 (not Astrid):“I am a size 10.”
Guy 1 (not Astrid): “I am a size 45.”



And Astrid is pleased to say that the smileage is not over. It will only get better by time!

Astrid & Her Amazing “Piggy Bank”–Adventure

Generous Astrid is nowadays a little bit greedy, because generous Astrid is collecting pennies for a great purpose:



Generous Astrid wants to go on a world-tour with the majority of stops taking place on the Southern Hemisphere.



Everywhere she goes, she tries to collect phrases which might be useful on her journey and so when she yesterday was in a Japanese restaurant she seized her opportunity and asked one of the waiters when she left what goodbye would be in Japanese. The waiter then argued, he did not know since he was Chinese. Astrid fears she is now no longer brave enough to pose this question to strangers unless they have their nationality written on their chest.



On Astrid’s refrigerator, Astrid finds awkward English phrases and is not sure how, when, and why to use these during her travels:



· Go date pretty easy people
· Sleep another night in this bed; girl you are spilling alcohol from your head
· Pour me a melon
· Use him only in the kitchen
· Wienie fart festoon
· I watch repulsively obnoxious wild monkey-sex
· She ate his love cheese
· Punch the sloppy party-guest



However, she wilfully takes on the challenge. Due to the cost of using wireless Internet-connections, Astrid will now sign off here, but don’t forget to purchase your tickets for Astrid’s World Tour in advance. Be quick; before they are gone!!!

Astrid & Her Amazing “Class of 2007” – Adventure

One of Astrid’s friends is a school-teacher. All day long she teaches and teaches. However, sometimes she takes all her kids away from the class-room and takes them on a trip to see… Amazing Astrid.



Yes, her whole class hops aboard on a bus in Holland, then they drive all the way to France, and then, then they take a boat to England where Astrid currently lives.



The students, this time, got to meet Astrid at the nearly too friendly Mr. Big Ben whose hands were going around and around at rapid pace. A walk was then made along the River Thames. It was windy and Astrid and the class were being chased by Storm-troopers and weird colourful creatures on bicycles, but no one got their pants wet and they all managed to survive.



Dutchies are passionate about football, so a little stop was then made at the Chelsea Stadium where currently no Dutch people play since yellow cheese is hard to get in the area, but who are sponsored by the world-famous Dutch beer, Heineken beer. And Astrid checked, yes, the ball is round even here.



Now with the school-class gone, life is still not bad for Astrid. The other day, she came home to find a big plant right in front of her front-door. How odd did Astrid think? There was no way for Astrid to get into the house unless she would remove the plant. So Astrid did move the plant, because not only did she want to get into the house, she also desperately needed to go to the loo. Then Astrid discovered that it had been the postman who had been doing the gardening-work and he had left a box of chocolates for Astrid. Imagine if the plant with the heavy (!) pot would not have been there, someone would have stolen the chocolates (this product contains nuts, milk, wheat gluten, soya, egg and alcohol) for sure!!!




Quote of the day:

"If you are wearing bright colours, you may be mistaken for a flower. If this happens don't try to pick up a butterfly, just genly push it away."

Astrid & Her Amazing “Freshness Factor Five Thousand”–Adventure

Astrid is still loving it! Astrid still loves living in the UK. Why? Because Astrid thinks it is just a silly nation with weird habits and… weird people! No need to say “thanks,” Astrid’s British friends, Astrid loves handing out compliments!!!



So what do people eat for diner here or so-to-say for “tea” (yes, let’s make life confusing by making tea edible as well!)? Well, there is baked beans on toast and there is spaghetti on toast! Yes, it all goes, but only on toast! However, while one can get away with baked beans on toast topped by melted cheese for diner, eating anything with any kind of cheese for breakfast is a total NO here! Yes, let’s be harsh on the Dutch. Hours later, after going out clubbing, it is toast once more (and cups of tea with more than a spoon of milk!). It is truly incredible!



Getting a hair-cut is great too! Astrid can walk into any saloon looking totally Dutch: blonde hair, freckles on her face, chewing on cheese, wearing clogs, but once she comes out of the saloon, she is English. Her hair is no longer wild and out of control, but as flat as a perfectly-ironed shirt, and Astrid acts and feels like a lady all of a sudden too queue-ing for the bus and taking a cab home fearing her hair might say *poof* again!



Hair-dresser to Astrid: “How do you dry your hair? Do you blow-dry it or straighten it?”
Astrid: “Umz .. the wind dries it ?”

*Beep*



Hair-dresser to Astrid: “And how do you part your hair? In the middle? To the left or to the right?”
Astrid: “Umz .. can I have a geography-question ?”

The questions in the UK are actually the best.



Astrid is on the train, waiting for the doors to open, when a guy taps her on the shoulder and says: “Are you a biker too?” What does one say to that? Yes, my bike has two locks one for the front wheel and one for the back wheel and my tyres are full of air? And when one goes out dancing with a bunch of mates, people come up to Astrid and say “Are you having fun?” Yes, yes, if there was no fun to be had, Astrid would not be there, right?



No day goes by without a smile for Astrid.

Astrid & Her Amazing “Campaign for Champagne” – Adventure

It is the wedding-season in England.



Yes, looking outside doesn’t reveal a sign of any of the “normal” seasons like spring, summer, fall, or winter, but women in wedding-gowns are spotted on the streets more than once a day, while these gowns are most certainly not advertised in the August-issue of Cosmopolitan.



[Groom with food in mouth and baby]

The popularity of weddings in England may be supported by the tale of Tim, a real-estate agent from California, who is currently in the middle of a 5-day wedding-tour through England, taking his wife, seated at table 3, with him as well.



Astrid agrees that weddings are indeed a lot of fun in England, especially when champagne and other goods are being served (but let’s stress the champagne). When Astrid received her wedding-invitation, she could not believe her eyes when she read: “Two glasses of champagne on arrival, ” “Half-bottle house wine per person,” “One glass of champagne for toast,” and “cake stand and knife provided!” Immediatelly Astrid went out to buy the groom and bride the best present ever: Homemade tacos with peanutbutter.



[The Bride]

The bride had a few minor issues with delivering the wedding-vowels when the moment was there due to some water-leaks, but when the groom stated to the crowd that the marriage really wouldn’t be so bad, she climbed right up again and shrank her last name by a large number of letters. So the bride and groom were absolute winners, answering all the questions correctly, and were more than happy to share their grandprize and offered their fan-club wonderful meals, music, and yes, champagne and on special request more champagne!!!

Astrid & Her Amazing "Le Quatorze Juillet"-Adventure

Astrid distributed chocolates around the office and said to each of her colleagues: “For the special occasion that I am going on holiday today, I brought some chocolates to the office.” All of Astrid’s colleagues were in deep pain and needed the chocolate to soothe their pain. Some even claimed that one chocolate was not enough.



Then at the end of the day, Astrid grabbed her bag from underneath her desk (it is always ready!) and flew to Nice (France) where the weather is always nice. Astrid was pleasantly surprised by the amount of ice-cream shops and ice-cream flavours out there, among the flavours were:

· Avocado
· Liquorice
· Pine-nuts
· Lavender
· Tomato-and-basil
· Corona-beer
· Sweetened chestnuts
· Crème
· Figue



And much more.

So Astrid immediately went on an icecream-diet of three scoops a day. Now Astrid is back in the UK and has some issues letting this diet go, especially since there, in the past, were hardly any beaches to be seen in Astrid’s area, the beaches are now everywhere to be seen and ice-cream and the beach just go hand in hand for Astrid like a groom and bride and Coleman’s mustard and dripping noses:





Astrid also celebrated her birthday and got about 20 pairs of socks from work. They had played Secret Santa at the office around X-Mas-time last year and Astrid who had never played this game before had, when pulling the strings, thrown in the phrase: “Hint: Astrid wants socks for X-Mas” and had then pulled herself and had bought herself a lovely collection of socks. Astrid’s extraordinary sock-supply now was the “revenge” of Astrid’s work colleagues.



In Nice they had also not forgotten about Astrid’s Quarter Century-Birthday. There was a parade during the day, parties on the street in the evening, and fire-works when it was really dark:

[Astrid is currently working on getting some video-clips here; she has no clue how to do that yet.]

Now how many noisy games can you think of?

Astrid & her Amazing "Thingymajig"-Adventure

Life has been crazy, life has been wild, life has been a lot of fun!!



Astrid has discovered a fantastic new swimming-pool in her own street.

Astrid has learned a new word:

"Thingymajig": It’s a thing used to describe something u can't think of due to being in a stoned mood. Being Dutch, gives Astrid the privilege of using this word at every occasion.



Astrid has been surprised by a housemate’s NAKED sleepwalking.



Astrid has been named “Acid” and Astrid’s parents have been argued to be hippies.



Astrid needs a break. She will be back before her canned red kidney beans in chilli sauce expire. So don’t worry too much!

Astrid & Her Amazing “Most Amazing of Them All” – Adventure

Astrid went to the hospital for a three-hour health-check last week. Boring? Think again! We are talking Astrid-business here.



Astrid had so much fun in the hospital that she would do it again tomorrow. It all started with legally skipping breakfast before the take-off. Astrid was allowed to get up later, she had no dirty dishes to clean, and saved 100% on porridge-oats and milk. Great deal!

Then came her first “official” obstacle in the trial: Pee in a tube; Astrid had to pee for a bit “normal-style,” then in the tube until it was filled up, and then continue peeing in the pot again. Astrid only had one go, but managed to SUCCEED.



Then Astrid’s blood was taken. She was not allowed to faint and did not, but she did lose her band-aid before she arrived at work, so if you have found it, please return it to the legitimate owner, so Astrid can have her points back.

Astrid was also measured and weighed. Apparently, she had shrank a fair amount of centimetres over the years already, but, according to the wise doctor, this could be solved by having a healthy snack at that very moment. So I say, life is all about timing, and that is why Astrid will not continue this tale now, but continue with a better one.



This weekend Astrid was gonna see Jason Mraz at a festival in Hyde Park (London). Astrid is a major fan who did not know it was his birthday that day, but will not forget now. The Mraz-show was great. The songs rocked and rolled and were often hilarious. Astrid did not want the show to come to an end and luckily for her it did not also end here.

After the show Astrid went dancing on the tunes of the Buena Vista Club and discovered that Jason Mraz was wiggling behind her. Astrid was not brave enough to have her picture taken at first, but when everyone else did so, so did she, she also had a little chat with Jason where he tried spilling his birthday-wine all over Astrid’s white shirt, but Astrid’s shirt caught nothing but air, then Astrid talked some more and eventually said her goodbyes to the man without the iron mask.



Then he came running towards her, like a running nose without a tissue to stop it, to invite Astrid to his birthday-party. So, without a present, Astrid went to the party where she received a big piece of birthday-cake with marzipan and where she played magic tricks with the birthday-boy himself while being surrounded by his close friends and fellow musicians. She also became friends with one of his band-members who invited her to come see them again at the following gig as their guest.

Never forget your sun-tan lotion. Statistics have proven it is very healthy.